"M" FILES: Case Finally Closed

I met her again, crying. Reunited with an old friend, a mourner of the corner of my shower. The little vermin crying her life out, for what? I don’t know. But I’ve met her so many times before.
I know her… so why was it so easy to judge her, again?
To scorn at her for feeling the way she did.
For hating her, just because she felt.

Was she overreacting like she always did?
Just feeling sorry for herself again, I guess.
That’s what she does best.

Her frame, thing and naked…she is everything I don’t want to be.
Folds of her stomach.

Marks of her thighs and legs.

The marks on her chest
The scars…

Self-inflicted

on her stomach
     her chest
                            The fresh, swollen wound engrave by new, but brittle nails. Right wrist,
                            carved into a flawless crescent moon.

Seeing her shudder… Oh the pleasure it brought.

She was gasping for air
               gasping for the help that will never come

She will always be in pain
               always in this pain of herself

She’ll always hate herself…

She sprawls out, genuinely crying, yet again. Hot tears down her cheeks…

And stops
just stops

And stares

The tiles.
The water.
herself
she’s ugly

Blackened knees
                              Stretch marks
Darkened areas of skin where she’s terrified of anyone venturing.
But at the same time, she yearns to be touched.

Folds
four of them
concealing the scars
old and just there

For her pleasure of remembrance of

                                                                     …remembrance of what?
                                                                                                          her agony?

The agony she doesn’t suffer?

She continues to stare.
The valley between her small breasts…
dotted with black, red, and white marks.
A curse of the genes.
And long, clumsy fingers trace over the raised birthmark.
A smile plays on her lips… she digs her nail in, but knows she’s too pathetic to hurt herself.

Why hurt herself?
It really does nothing to anyone.
Even if all she wants is attention.

Her collarbones don’t protrude and for that, she claws at the skin, hatred just fueling her actions just so intensely that the redness floats to the surface ever so effortlessly.

She cries again
She decides it’s time to stop.
        steps out of the shower
        sniffles
        cracks her back
she looks straight through me.
She’s hollow.
I’m hollow, empty

                               And just consumed with
                               darkness
                               loneliness

It screams at us and we want to break down again.

                                                                                She wants to smash me
                                                                                                         smash the mirror

                                                                                 The barrier between us

She does her routine

Brush

Moisturize

…And leave

                                                                                                                      Dried and broken.

                                    I follow somewhere close behind in the recesses of her mind.

Poison.

Poison

Drug

Liquor
Addictive…

Light-headed, I fall.

Easily into you

Manipulated

Played

Pleasured

Tortured…

Right into your arms

Onto your lips.

taste sweet as poison

taste deadly as wine

we grew

we melded

we loved

we hated

we felt

we fought

we lived

we died

you made me numb

so I can feel.

Too Easy

Don't do it. Don't believe them.
They can kill you in a heartbeat.
A nano-second is all they need.
The moment you give in, the moment they take from you
                                      Your life
                                      Your being
                                      Your will.

Who you are, they'll consume you
they'll take all that from you.
In that nano-second that you give them your heart
                                   
                                         They'll rip it out
                                                And cut
                                                And bite
                                                And feast
                                         They'll spit it out
                                                And drink
                                                And fight
                                                And never cease
                                             to stop torturing you
                                       
                                         They'll shove it in
                              your face. How weak you are
                                              How selfish you've become
                                              How selfish you've let them make you.

Oh, they'll change you alright.
                            But at the end of it all, if you
                                   survive,
                            You'll be stronger.
                                   Better yet, you'll be one of them.

The Letter

Each object is heavy when I lift it
Each move I make is empty and useless
Each thought I make is painful
Each molecule of my body aches with
The want of becoming nothing
while still being something
The want of being useful instead of
worthless
The want of being needed instead of being
pushed away.
I am
frustrated
sad
lonely
hopeless
screwed over
hurt
abused
used
senseless
psychotic
angry

I AM…
At peace
I am at more peace now than I could ever imagine because I can feel.
I feel the world around me
the pain people go through
the faith young ones have
the loss of life
the sorrow
the anguish.
I am here, crying a silent cry so loud I’m going crazy in my head because I can’t even think as far as my thoughts
emotions
beliefs
ambitions
actions
I can go on forever!
but not know where the hell I stand in this world
in my country
in my school
in my family
in my church
in my mind

but all I know is,
who I’m thinking about as I write this down in a hopeless attempt to clear my mind of my torturer
my best friend
my brother
my love…

Ask Seek Knock

Ask me for guidance

and a fulfilling path you shall receive.

Ask me for knowledge

and the world of wisdom shall be given to you.

Ask me for love

and you shall never be lonely again.

Seek out the suffering of the poor

and you shall be rewarded abundantly.

Seek out the friend in your enemies

and you shall find peace and love.

Seek out the questions life throws at you

and you will reap the rewards of understanding.

Knock with confidence
and you may enter without fear.

Admit you are wrong
and the right will be taught to you.

Surrender to the aid of God
and all things will fall into place.

Nervous System

That moment of pure realization.
You’re becoming new.
Do you like it?
Is that even real change?

No. It’s just your head 
spiraling out of control

Everything, rushing back to you.

Your heart races

You tremble

You shake

Your nerves are on end
and won’t stop trying to tell you

“you’re fucking killing us. You’re fucking yourself over,

over
and
over
and
over
again”

You’re on edge. You’re not tipsy;
you’re completely drunk.

By the attention
the hate in your heart
the love in your mind
the worry you’re doomed to feel forever.

Your nerves are trying to tell you something.

“stop hurting your heart. your mind is being damaged too.

Stop fucking yourself over,
over
and
over
and
over
again!”

Every inch.
Every finger tip
consumed
dead
too much alive…

Nerves. This shaking

So much like you’re too high and

Just too weak to take it all.

Too weak to stop

You need to stop fucking yourself over.
Stop messing up your life

over
and
over
and
over
again.